Letter to your Future Spouse! The Beauty of Marriage

Wait, what, a Single's blog talking about the beauty of marriage? Absolutely! This is not an anti marriage, anti relationship space. Marriage is one of the most beautiful institutions created! Selective Singles is simply a space to find encouragement in wherever you find yourself in the journey of singleness. In your single season, you should be enjoying it to the fullest, instead of wondering why you're not boo-ed up. You can't enjoy your vacation in New York if you spend the entire time there wishing you were in Dubai! Likewise, how can you take pleasure in the joys of singleness if you spend your nights whining, wondering and wishing that someone will hurry up and marry you? Marriage is beautiful in so many ways and worth waiting and preparing for! As with anything in life, it doesn't come without challenges. One of the things that adds beauty to marriage, is knowing that the other accepts you and is willing to embrace you, flaws and all.

Your dreams and goals should not be put on hold until you find your person. If you want to travel, you should be traveling! My friend Zoe, as well as my nephew DeVante are wonderful examples of this, that is to be admired. 

 

Of course, don't lose focus; you're not going on vacation to look for or find that person. The point is, you should't put things on hold... to experience life in it's fullness, because you're waiting. Your motivation should be to explore, enjoy, learn and expose yourself to other places, peoples and cultures! The marriage-minded can cultivate the desire for marriage by dedicating a portion of time to get creative. How? Perhaps writing letters to your future spouse, sealing it in an envelope and storing them in a nice box, to be opened on special occasions after you marry. Can you imagine receiving such a letter from someone you end up marrying? Visualize with me:

A week after you're a newlywed, you're sitting at a beautiful location with your husband. He slides an envelope across the table, with a smile on his face. You're glowing and obviously curious as you carefully open it. It reads; my beautiful bride, although we haven't met yet, I have dreamed of this moment. This is one of many love letters to come that I have written to you. I don't know where you are in the world, but I know I am getting closer each day to finding you. Others have become like dimly lit candles, making it easier to recognize you immediately, because your light will shine so brightly, I will be unable to look away! I have relived this very moment, as I bask in watching you getting a glimpse of my thoughts about you. Thank you for embracing the rejection of others, making it easier to say yes to me.  I am ecstatic to do life with you my beautiful bride!

                                          Next blog post; Letter to your future husband! 

Finish This Sentence : "I am Single and ...."

Should it be misconstrued, let me define clearly the purpose of this blog: First, what it is not: It is not for the purpose of convincing anyone to remain single. Now, for what it is: It is to encourage singles to not be anxious enough to settle for someone just because they are dissatisfied with being single, or, because they are feeling pressured by family, friends, society or their biological clock! What I have learned and seen is, people disappoint and disappear. You may even be that person who decides that a relationship is not for you and you simply walk away or ghost them. That behavior has its place I am certain of that, however, with the world in the state it is in today, even that should be done with careful thought, prayer and consideration because you're dealing with another person's feelings and emotions. This is surely encouraged as early as you know that a relationship is not for you. As expected, things are a lot more complicated after marrying someone. 

Frankly, I am of the belief that it is best to arrive at a such a place of contentment, that you have zero tolerance for stupid games or foolishness, and sadly, there are lots of adults around that still play childish games. Love yourself enough to come to a place where you honor your body, mind and soul by putting up barriers and safeguards to protect your heart as you filter through what comes your way! Safeguards for you may not be the same for me. You must know yourself well enough to design them to fit your needs.

Identifying which type of Single you are will help you navigate your season of singleness.

Satisfied Singles - those who may have been married or never have married, but are open to the idea of marriage [again]. This single person is good either way. They are not actively seeking, but have not put up a wall against marriage.

Searching Singles - for them, nothing is more important than finding a partner! They will accept anyone that pays them a compliment. Age doesn't matter. Financial status doesn't matter (or the lack thereof).They will date anyone, even another married person, in the hopes that they will eventually leave their spouse for them. They often do marry (and sometimes multiple times) because it never works out for them and the cycle often keeps repeating itself. They don't like being alone. They can usually tolerate bad behavior and sometimes put up with dangerous behavior because they are afraid of being alone, and their inner narrative tells them that no one else will want them. They always feel as though something is missing in their life.

Selective Singles - they do not tolerate games. This group rarely discuss marriage or even consider it, unless others bring it up. Some of them may consider a partner for companionship, others are open to a long term relationship and possible marriage, but they enjoy life and all it has to offer, instead of missing out simply because there isn't someone else to enjoy it with.

Some people think being single is a curse and there is something wrong if a person can't mate up with another person. There are those (who are in bad marriages) who think being married is a curse. The idea of having to be responsible for another person's feelings, responsibilities and well-being are simply ludicrous to them. Both of these ideas are ridiculous! Nothing could be further from the truth. As a person who is not interested in marriage again, I'm not against marriage at all. I absolutely love the idea of marriage because it is God's idea. Family is God's idea and it is a beautiful thing! But nothing can be done successfully without work. It takes time, attention and intentionality to build and maintain a strong, healthy and thriving marriage. That said, there are many people who are not willing to put in the time and attention it takes to do that, and no one should be judged for their personal perspective. We as humans have been blessed with the beautiful gift of choice, and it is a privilege to be able to choose to marry or to remain single. 

"Never select someone based on cuteness, cars, clothes or cash alone. The world is full of unstable people with plenty of those things."

Identifying & Eliminating Toxic People from Your Circle

Every... not some, but every single time I was in the company of this particular person (honestly this has happened with more than one person) (but still only a minority few thankfully), there was an uneasiness. I could not quite put my finger on it, but as usual, I was polite, kind, and I squashed those feelings and made the best of it. Luckily I didn't have to be in their company for too many times, but it was unavoidable to do so for good. There were insults and digs made in a sly sort of way. Other times there were piercing stares. Those harmful vibes eventually began to seep out like oil from a busted hose. With no prompting or suggestion on my part, others began to be exposed to the same behavior (and more). I am not suggesting we go around being suspicious of others, however, I am saying that we should not constantly ignore what is happening in our spirit. Speaking of spirit, God's Holy Spirit prompts us and yes, warns up, but, (as in my case), we sometimes ignore the warnings. By the time I paid attention, so much damage had been done to myself as well as others.

Whether it is a friendship, romantic relationship or a family-ship(?), you should not have to tolerate a toxic ...ship of any type.  How did I learn to identify toxic people in my life? I paid attention! Paying attention to your heart, your feelings and your soul will assist you in identifying toxicity when it is around you. Here are at least three indicators that you may be dealing with a toxic person.

1. Confusion - toxic people somehow manage to bring confusion of some sort wherever they go. If you're always trying to figure things out (because they're usually horrible communicators), or, you are left wondering if something is true or not, you may need to re-evaluate the relationship. At the very least, try to get understanding by having a conversation. If you can't get anywhere and you're left even more confused, you may want to redefine the relationship.

2. Those who consistently violate your heart - I once had a person say to me, while I was still grieving for my husband, "your DEAD husband's no longer here! That was the precise moment I knew I would cut ties with that fool! No compassion, no tenderness, no empathy. Was my husband dead? Yes. It wasn't the fact that crushed my heart. It was the manner and tone it was said. It was at that precise instant that I began recalling other harmful and poisonous behaviors that I had ignored up until that point. People who truly love and care about you don't deliberately violate your heart period! And they certainly don't do it time and time again. 

3. People who constantly bring up your negative past. It is draining to be around those who have nothing better to talk about than your past, especially if they know it is a sore spot. The thing about a past is that everyone has one. Negative, hurtful events from your past should be left there, so what is the point of needing to be reminded of it by someone who is supposed to love you, except perhaps to make themselves feel better or look good around others? It is even more toxic if you've told that individual how it makes you feel and have asked them to not bring it up again. All you can do at that point is grit your teeth and give them the Jada look when they do. These people zap your good energy if you allow it. I personally prefer to eliminate the relationship entirely. 

We cannot change the people around us, but we can certainly change the people we choose to be around! Stop chasing what your flesh wants. Get what your soul needs, and it needs loving, peaceful, wholesome, caring, giving and healthy people around it. Don't just seek that, be that! 

Flaws...What to Embrace, What to Fix

Do you love everything, absolutely everything about yourself? Yeah, me either! I have met untold numbers of people in my lifetime and I have never met anyone who loves everything about themselves, whether it's a character flaw or a physical attribute. Quite frankly, my list is longer than I'm willing to admit. It is simply the nature of our imperfect human-ness. The elusive perfection cannot be found or achieved on this side of eternity. As long as we can settle that in our minds and hearts, that is one less thing to be concerned about. It is when our imperfections greet us in the morning, or stare back at us in the mirror that we find them harder to ignore. For the most part, the inevitable can somewhat be ignored. We know they are there, we simply choose to look the other way. What are the inevitables? You know, the unavoidable, the inescapable, those things that remind us that we are blessed enough to age. Things like; the pimple that popped up overnight, the back ache from walking only a half mile, the wrinkle that was not there the year prior, or, the varicose vein that marred your once baby smooth legs. Some people fight until death to erase as many physical imperfections as their money will allow. I don't judge anyone's decision to do so. However, I won't break the bank when it comes to that sort of thing, but I have [and plan to continue] to slow down the process of aging to a certain degree. No cutting, slicing or vacumming anything from this body for the sake of beauty for me thank you! In other words, I embrace what I cannot fix and fix what I can externally. That takes care of the physical. The character flaws issues are a whole new game! 

Character flaw by definition is, an undesirable quality. Character flaws have nothing to do with age or aging, and they cannot be fixed with money. These take a lot more work, time and attention, and it requires intentional attention. Some examples of character flaws are; arrogance (having a sense of self importance. The terrible thing about this flaw (and they are all terrible) is that everyone else can see the arrogance in that person, except that person! Everyone around them are usually thinking the same thing, as they puff themselves up with their titles, accomplishments and possessions; "(who cares, not impressed)"? At least, that's what I'm thinking. I applaud people's accomplishments and am happy for them when they achieve and acquire the things they've desired or worked hard for. But the arrogant component behind them sharing can be smelled a mile away, and I am usually left feeling sorry for the individual. Again, no amount of money can fix this. 

Another character flaw is dishonesty. Dishonesty can take on so many forms but, lying about a situation in order to appear to be something you're not is one. Or, a person who lies about someone they don't like, in the hopes that others will feel the same way about them is another form. There are people who live this way. You've heard of them, you know them, and sadly, you could be one of them...(don't loose hope. It starts with a desire to change, and it's uphill from there)! They are so compulsive that they actually believe their own lies. Money cannot fix this. The list of character flaws are extensive and ugly! Jealousy, pride, greed, vengefulness, paranoia, spite, vanity, cowardice, etc. are only part of the long list. These are the ugly flaws we should never be comfortable with within ourselves. In other words, never embrace character flaws that are harmful, to yourself or others. With desire, practice and prayer, these are things that can be destroyed and abolished from your nature once and for all! A wonderful thing happens when you work to improve your character. You tend to attract those who are likeminded, people who are eager to grow and change for the better.

As you prepare yourself for the person who will embrace you as a partner or spouse, or, as you prepare yourself to grow and be better than you were before, simply because it can make the world a little bit better in some small way, keep polishing up those physical flaws, but whatever you do, don't neglect the character flaws! We all have room for improvement, so don't get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Never forget, the most successful relationships are those where both parties are aware that they are both imperfect humans deciding to get together in spite of their imperfections, but loving each other enough to be patient while improvement takes place!

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Table for Two

The reasons for being single varies. Some are single by choice, some by circumstance. Others are single because they haven't met their person yet. If you're single right now, it's not because you're not good enough for someone. It's more likely that you're too good for the wrong one. Always remember, God loves you enough to protect your heart, but, by the same token, He's gracious enough to allow you to make your own decisions. His desire is that you choose carefully and prayerfully. Your Heavenly Father doesn't do the work for you. He prefers to work with you. As you may be preparing your heart for the person you haven't yet met, don't neglect the One you have met. 

Another aspect of your desire to love and be loved in return as a mate is this; you will not be capable of loving another well, if you haven't learned to love yourself well first. If you can't love yourself, you're not ready to love another. There are far too many people trying to give love and receive love, but they can't do either because they have no self love. This in no way refers to the narcissistic false self love that our world is inundated with. That's really not love at all. The kind of self love you must acquire is, loving yourself well enough, that you forgive yourself for the mistakes you make, (because you will need to apply this to the person you mate up with). You must love yourself well enough to be patient with yourself as you navigate your journey of growth and maturity, (you will need to apply this to the person you mate up with). You must love yourself well enough to treat yourself well in all aspects; body, soul and mind. Just as you desire to have the best, be the best and present your best self to the world, you should want nothing less for the person you mate up with.

Have you ever observed a couple at a restaurant who are into each other? I mean really into each other, like, they've got the entire place to themselves into each other? It is lovely to witness. It doesn't matter what fine young thing walks by, their eyes seem locked onto each other. Distractions are few, if at all. The conversation flows easily and effortlessly as they hang onto every word of each other's sentences. There is a mutual admiration and respect. As a Selective Single, I say, don't waste time waiting for the one you want to come, without spending time with the One who's already here! Understandably, God is not the flesh and bone lover that your human-ness may desire, but, He is the One who can sustain and fulfill you in ways unimaginable, until that time comes. 

Like the loving couple in the previous paragraph, as a Selective Single, you are in a unique position to have a seat at the table with the One who loves you most, and you can have that special seat as often as your heart's desire. Shifting our focus from the natural to the spiritual, let us visualize another loving interaction at the table for two. You've agreed to meet Him in a special place and time. You both have been looking forward to getting together since you committed. You have put on the sweet fragrance of worship. You have doused yourself in the perfume of praise and He is enthralled and honored that you cared enough to do so. You are indeed a sweet smell in His nostrils! He gives you His undivided attention and you do the same. Although He has nearly all of humanity summoning His attention, calling His name, needing His help, pulling at Him, asking for things and favors, His eyes are on you! While hearing the cries and requests of millions upon millions of other voices, His ears are tuned in to hear every single word that comes from your lips! It is at this precise moment that you realize nothing else matters, because His love has engulfed you and you understand that he will protect and provide for whatever you need, regardless! How fortunate you are to have a seat at the table with the most important and well known One in all of creation, time and history! You have come prepared to be totally genuine and transparent, holding nothing back. After all, He knows everything there is to know about you. His eyes seem to penetrate your soul! He understands your very thoughts before you utter a word. None has known you more intimately. This is the most important conversation you can ever have! Yes, your human exchanges are important too, but you may not realize that the conversations you are having at this table at this present moment, sets the tone for your future human interactions and conversations. It is more than conversation. It is a connection!

As He gazes lovingly into your eyes, oddly enough, you can't think of anything to ask for. You are seated at the table with the very One who can give you your heart's desire and nothing comes to mind. You are so absorbed in the magnitude of the moment, your mind seems to be locked in on one thing; Him! You are simply grateful for being deemed worthy of such a position. You truly understand what it means to be fully present! There are no awkward silences experienced. As a matter of fact, they are welcomed. It is in the silence that you seem to be able to hear Him clearer. You are changed in ways you cannot articulate or comprehend. You just know it is good! You share a laugh. He reminds you of Psalm 103:2, that He is your friend with benefits. You've never seen a heart smile but you are sure yours does at this moment.

 As a Selective Single, choose wisely and choose well, but don't choose without taking a seat at the table to consult with your Wonderful Counselor. Father knows best!

Success or Defeat?

What comes to mind when you hear the word victory or victorious? The football star likely conjures up a picture of that big win on the football field. The track enthusiast will see himself breaking through the finish line tape with arms raised! The race car driver sees the black and white flags going down as she zooms past! Then, there are the quiet victories; a personal goal you may have set and accomplished. For the girl who once weighed over two hundred pounds, her ability to wear a size ten is considered her big victory. All of these are great examples of victories, and they all have a major commonality. They each require intentional, focused attention. In order to win at anything, you must give attention to it and it must be a daily regiment until it becomes a habit. When you resolve to give your absolute best at all cost, success is inevitable! Every victorious athlete aims of achieving the victory long before the day of competition. Victory begins internally before it is ever manifested externally.

As a successful single person, you must determine to live victoriously as a single. A successful single is not one who doesn't date or have an active social life. No, no, no, it does not equate to isolation or becoming a hermit. It is, however, the choice to live a wholesome life of excellence and character. When you understand your value, you set high standards for yourself and make a conscience decision to not disappoint yourself. It is not about being better than anyone. It is about being better than yourself, the old self that didn't care or give thought to the damage you may have caused your soul (mind, will, imagination, emotions, intellect). It is also not about depraving yourself of quality relationships. Make no mistake, relationship doesn't equal sex. Sex outside of marriage will damage your soul. These aren't my regulations, it is the ordinance given us by the One who created us and knows us best and what is best for us. It is no different than operating your vehicle according to your vehicle's manufacturer. If Dodge says to only use a certain grade of petroleum in the tank or it will ultimately damage the vehicle, the choice is still yours to make, but rest assured, the engine will be damaged at some point. Just as the manufacturer is not trying to keep you from enjoying your vehicle by giving you the set of rules that they know will maximize the longevity and quality of your vehicle, so it is with your Creator. God knows all about you, and His desire is that you live the fullest, most enjoyable life possible, and that is only possible by choosing to do life His way. He still, however, gives you the ability to choose. Quality relationships usually result from surrounding yourself with like-minded people. There is a cost that comes with achieving victory in any arena. The sacrifices may be tough, but they are not impossible. Sacrificing is the universe's way of saying, "let's see how bad you want it." Now, let's explore what victorious singleness look like. 

Being a victorious single means; 

Setting Boundaries. Pre-establishing some absolutes before needing them is critical to your success. Make them personal, and be honest with yourself. If reading romance novels or watching romantic love stories makes you want to star in your own, you may want to switch gears on what you watch or read.

Setting Realistic Guidelines. Saying that you'll never be around the opposite sex ever again is unrealistic. But saying, I'll never be alone with a married man or married woman behind closed doors is more do-able. "I will not engage in a social media private message or text message from a married person" is a realistic guideline that you can set for yourself once and for all without having to think of what to do on the spot if the situation arises.

Being Okay with not being invited to every event or celebration. Keeping a tight inner circle with people who really get you, your tribe, those who don't wear their feelings on their shoulders and are not offended if you turn down an invite. I've found that the greatest friends are those who you may not hang out with or talk to daily, but they are on your doorstep if you really need them. 

Saying No, and putting a period behind it! It means not saying no with your mouth, but yes with every other part of you. We've all heard the true statement that, 'No" is a complete sentence."No" can be said gently (depending on the situation), it can be said with kindness but it should be said firmly. "No, not today, perhaps next time," is good for turning down an invite, but not a good answer for someone who's trying to pressure you into a situation that's uncomfortable or goes against your standards. That is what you save your firm "NO" for.

Not Putting yourself in Compromising Positions. It means not being in places that threaten your personal boundaries. Self explanatory. 

Monitoring the types of entertainment you indulge. Protecting what you watch, what you listen to and who you listen to are all critical components to the success or defeat of single life.

Balancing the art of being honest/aggressive/gentle/kind/firm/approachable/fun. Bringing all of these together, gives you harmony. The best definition of harmony that I've ever heard is; when what you say, what you believe and what you do are all the same! Sounds easy, but there are many people who say one thing and do the complete opposite. Or, they believe one way, but their actions are contrary to that belief.  

Therefore, in order to achieve success in your single life (whether you're waiting for your Mr. or Mrs), or, you are a completely satisfied single, you must be intentional in your choices! The beauty of life is that your choices determine the quality of life you have. It is not at the mercy of others. Finally, never allow outside people or thoughts to make you feel sorry for yourself. Always be confident that you are a whole person as one person. It doesn't take another human being to make you complete!

Is it even possible to live Single and Satisfied?

The answer to the title's question is a big fat YES!, but first, let me say; WELCOME! I'm assuming you are here because you are familiar with the single life in some aspect. Perhaps you are already single, about to be single or curious about the way some singles think. You may be a single person who desire to remain single or, you are looking to be married some day. It is quite possible that you are married and landed here because you are looking for something to share with a loved one who is single. Whatever reason you're here, thank you! What you will find in this space, will always be inspirational and encouraging or, perhaps a bit controversial at times, but that's no reason to shy away from a subject. I hope you take away something of value and, please, always feel free to contribute your thoughts or experience if you like. My mother once told me, "what you go through in life is never just about you, it will always become an experience that someone else will go through and others have already gone through." Simply put, there is nothing new under the sun, and by sharing our experiences, we just may help someone else get through their own more successfully. 

Now, onto the subject of Singleness. Contrary to what many people think, living a single life does not automatically equate to boring, lonely or dissatisfied. Quite the contrary. Truth be told, there are boring, lonely and dissatisfied marrieds as there are singles. One thing is for sure; everyone knows what it is like to be single, but not everyone can identify with being married. I can identify with both. I am a single by choice. I became a widow after a thirty-six year marriage and I've chosen to remain single. The list of reasons for my choice can be quite extensive so I'll spare you. I live a very active life, but not an overwhelming life. I engage with people and activities that fulfill me, and add value to my existence. I am very others focused so there are things that I do that add value to others as well. That leaves no room for wondering, waiting, whining or worrying about why there's no Mister in my life. Besides, my beloved husband left a pretty big pair of shoes that I'm not interested in having filled! Regardless if you are single by choice, or, if you are preparing for your future bride or groom, the quality of your single state rests solely upon your shoulders. I vote for taking on an attitude of gratitude for your present position until the time comes that it could change.

Let's talk about Excellence, the quality of being outstanding or extremely good at something. Excellence commands attention without saying a word! I have always strived for excellence in everything I do. Just because cleaning my toilet will not be judged by anyone else (because no one else sees it), doesn't stop me from cleaning it as if I were being paid to do so! Excellence gives you a sense of satisfaction, knowing that you've done your absolute best, even if it was for your eyes only. It's the same with living an excellent single life. You want excellence in your single life not to impress anyone or appear to be something you're not. You want to live a life of single excellence for your own preservation and protection. 

Society portrays being single as having the freedom to hop from bed to bed, and deeming it as some sort of privilege. That's not a privilege at all! That type of lifestyle brings with it, issues that you  may have to deal with for the rest of your life! There is a way to navigate the single state without compromising your morals or values, or, without being in a constant depression, wondering what is wrong with you because no one chose you. I've known quite a number of men and women who settle for anyone that comes along because their internal narrative is, "well at least someone wants me." Having a person on your arm, (or in your bed) does not give value to you as a human. You are highly valuable and a treasure in your own right, and waiting for another person to see you as such, is worth the wait! Life is too short to waste time wishing for a marriage, an engagement or a relationship that may or may not happen. Those are tough words to hear I know, I really get it and empathize with you, but we all know there are no guarantees in this life, except to die. There have been people in my circle that have expressed a desire to be married someday, but sadly, that someday never came and life ended for them. Death is life's only guarantee! 

Now, we all know that not every single person wants to be married. To those who do, all I am suggesting is that it is far more beneficial to use your time and energy to focus on excellence in your single-hood instead. Not in order to be the best person you can be for someone else, simply to be the best you for you! Being good and kind to yourself gives you a big advantage, because it will result in you automatically being kind to others. The excellent you will likely prevent you from settling for anything other than an excellent other.